Sloe Times

A journal of my adventures in learning and growing personally and professionally

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


Poker: The Bloggers Guide to: Online Poker

With all the collective brain power in the poker blogging community and not to mention talent, why is "The Bloggers Guide to Online Poker" not on bookshelves? Here's a rough draft that could be a solid money maker with some help.

This is a parody, no offense to anyone named or otherwise is intended. In fact if you were named, I have nothing but the deepest respect for you and I'm only roasting you because I ran out of chestnuts. I'm also dimwitted, I didn't roast nearly everyone (or myself for that matter) that could use it so if you can think of some appropriate chapters that would likely be included (and of course an appropriate author) please let me know and we'll get it into the second edition printing. ;)

The Bloggers Guide to:

Online Poker

Chapter 1: Online Poker Concepts
1.1 Money Matters by anonymous
Because Uncle Sam has not become enlightened to the tax income benefits of legalizing online gambling you're going to need to work with a middle man to launder deposit and withdrawal your money in online card rooms. Neteller is probably the most commonly used system plus they have a little lottery going all the time that you can use the points you get from all the deposits and withdrawals you'll be making while bonus whoring.

When it comes time to pay the bills you'll want to make withdrawals in smallish amounts to avoid tripping up the income alarms. You don't want to be paying any unnecessary taxes.

1.2 Bonus Whores by Grubby
Unless you've got a pile of your own money to be funding your bank roll online, you'll need to become a bonus whore. What this means is that you take advantage of the various online casinos deposit bonuses to increase your stake by playing blackjack a game you can either minimize the houses edge or beat solidly in the case of micro-limit poker. These bonuses are generally worked off against an amount wagered or a quantity of raked hands. These programs vary from casino to casino so be sure to read the fine print.

Chapter 2: Playing online
2.1 Necessary Equipment by theMaroon
To be a top online poker player you have to have the right setup. To make those millions from playing poker you're going to be spending a lot of time on your ass. Get a comfy chair like that $4000 massaging chair from Sharper Image. Next you need a computer and more importantly a good display. I recommend the a quad CPU Xeon box. You don't really need that kind of horsepower but the only way to take advantage of how rigged online poker is, is to have a more powerful box than the site you play on. For a display I recommend the 96" plasma wall mounted display. You really need to multi-table properly and since the only game you're able to crush is the $0.01/$0.02 on Paradise, you're going to need lots of tables open. You'll also need a remote keyboard, mouse, and catheter. Natch.

2.2 Where to play online by Ignatious
If you are not playing on Party Poker, you are retarded. I'll take pity on you and give you a deposit bonus if you use bonus code IGGY when you sign up. Oh the humanity!

Chapter 3: Starting hands
3.1 The Hilton Sisters by Dr. Pauly
All of the real players are laying down the monster beats on the fishes with pocket queens. If you have this hand, ram and jam all the way. Fold everything else.

3.2 The Hammer by Grubby
The Hilton Sisters can really help your win rate, but if you really want to bust people up, you have to play The Hammer. 72s or 72o is an undeniable force to be reckoned with. Like playing the Hilton Sisters you want to ram and jam with this starting hand.

Chapter 4: Alter your poker client
4.1 Beautify your client by Chris "Martha Stewart" Halverson
The default poker clients are just so ugly. I've found these wonderful skins which add just the right color and style to your drab windows. You can download my custom skins at

4.2 See everyone's hole cards by teh 1ee+ hax0r
Hay foo! pwnz teh llamerz wit dis patch to yo poker warez. You can DL it from to be able to see all of your opponents hole cards.

Chapter 5: Playing Poker
5.1 Aggression by SirFWALGMan
Everyone says that you can't win all of the time. Well, they're wrong. If those fish are sucking out on you and winning with any two cards like AA or KK while you're playing The Hammer or The Hilton Sisters you need to set those losers straight. Nothing proves the might of your skill and power of your game like jumping from the $0.05/$0.10 tables where those bastards don't know how to fold and playing in the $40/$80 game heads up with Skalansky. If you deplete your bank roll don't be afraid to recharge, because you can't be aggressive with an empty account.

5.2 Dealing with Maniacs by AlCantHang
Tilting out sucks but sometimes those maniac fish always seem to catch their hands. None of that phases me and I'm going to share with you dear reader my own personal secret to becoming tilt-proof. Southern Comfort. You'll need to begin a strict regimen to work up to the necessary 3 or 4 bottles a day to become bulletproof like Superman. Once you have accomplished this level of stone faced play the final table at the WSOP is in the bag.

Chapter 6: Making a career change
6.1 Sidelined by HDouble
You might have had an active life before but that recurring hang nail has kept you from your dream job. That's ok, I've been where you are. Since I'm the only legit writer in the bunch I invite you to come drink from my font of wisdom. Reading my stuff will make you a better poker player and soon you'll wonder why you ever thought of doing anything else with your free time.

6.2 Going Pro by Ignatious
I quit my day job and became a professional poker player and you can too. Wait a minute, you haven't signed up at Party Poker yet? This is your last chance to use bonus code IGGY or you will need to start riding the short bus with Phil Helmuth. Don't even consider going pro until you do this!

Acronyms by UWannaBet?
Many times we use acronyms to communicate online, especially in the blogger world. Recounting the many bad beats, monster pots and general situations typically are bettered by tossing in an acronym to get to the point. I was working, daydreaming the other day and thought about all of the acronyms that people might and might not be aware of...

nh= nice hand
gp= good play
gg= good game
SNG= sit and go

These were some of the first ones that came to mind but like all good bloggers I knew there was much more to the list.

TPTK = top pair top kicker
PDTTG = please don't tap the glass
YPTC = you played that crap
WTTBTSTSTTF = welcome to the blogger table said the spider to the fly
YPQ3ORW = you play Q-3 off really well
TFRYCF = thanks for raising you clueless fish
VIAB = variance is a bitch
YRSTC = you really should try checkers
NHYHYOOOTRA = nice hand you hit your only out on the river again
MRMBJC = minimun raises make baby jesus cry
ONDPIPPWPA = Oh no Dr. Pauly is playing poker without pants again
WTTBTSTSTTF = welcome to the blogger table said the spider to the fly

Lord, I apologize for that and be with the pigmys down in New Guinea. Amen. -- Larry the Cable Guy

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